TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it would come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical improvement-slash-luxury real estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Certainly, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're talking Damascus, town historically known for historical culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It's going to be large. Remarkable!" Trump declared by using a leaked golf cart Zoom call, streamed within the putting environmentally friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We've experienced gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. A few of the most effective. But now, we're making them with balconies."



Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and solely out of position. Developed by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower features:




  • A a few-ground Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • And also a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 years for potable h2o. But yes, absolutely sure, let's have another spot where American Adult men can have on robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas policy analysts are calling this by far the most audacious peace endeavor since Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. While former negotiations unsuccessful underneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is easier: offer you Absolutely everyone a suite over the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


Based on files released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is smooth energy," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock demands fewer diplomats plus more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms set up in Trump Tower Damascus Each individual unit. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire famous, "It isn't really that Trump should not open a tower inside of a war zone. It really is that he really should prevent working with it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested about the venture, replied, "You already know, person, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic folks. Great tan. Anyway, do I still have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "potential proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory from the Levant."



Satellite Pictures Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the resort's landscaping kinds a large Trump head visible from Room, a attribute getting promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents and the chin is… perfectly, categorised.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits following locating the making's gold plating mirrored a great deal daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set hearth to an area melon cart.


"It is not simply unsightly. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," said Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Confusing Characteristics


Probably the strangest element on the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium where by visitors may possibly ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, finish with climate Manage set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Local Syrians are unsure what to create of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-yr-previous Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting System: "For those who Bomb It, They Will Occur"


The advert campaign, not too long ago leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxury is Forever."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll done within a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% said "wherever's the nearest elevator into the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Last but not least, a Disaster That Pays"


The task is already attracting awareness from Worldwide traders, together with:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll invest in three penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial degree will likely consist of:




  • A Greenback Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Dependant on the Iraq War





Comment Segment Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to wait around to discover a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as an alternative to rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a resort in which my PTSD can have flip-down services."


An additional post from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officials get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Reviews suggest:




  • China may possibly open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to make a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the very best ground "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Closing Thoughts with the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that involved three camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It essential gold. It needed a waterslide shaped similar to the Structure. I gave it all 3. You happen to be welcome."

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